Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wow! Can't believe it is middle of April already. And yet, the weeks sometimes seem super long. How does that make any sense? In the past few months I have been given some feedback on family history, excersice, old issues with parents and new issues with kids. OK. Family history has been the last thing on my mind for a long long time. My daughter, Jaana got things started when she realized she does not know much about her family or grandparents, especially the ones from Finland. I started digging for information I already had, translated my paternal grandmother's life history and started writing my own (I am in the year 1972). I also contacted my sister Irene for any more information she may have had and she sent me my grandpa's writings. It is so hard to read that I have started and stopped several times. I suppose I always felt my life has been pretty ordinary and I have not taken the time to really reflect on what my life looks like. It has been a good thing and also not so good because all this remeniscing has brought up issues about my childhood, teenage years and first marriage. Actually Jaana mentioned after reading my grandmother's life history that my sister Leena and I were not even mentioned in her writing. Yet, I lived with her and grandpa since I was 10 years old. Kind of made me feel invisible or not important. (Same old stuff that I have tried to make peace with all my life.) I have hoped that I can just let all that stuff "rest in peace" but stirring it up again actually has assisted me to realize how all life's experiences have shaped me into the person I am today. And I know there will be more life's lessons that will teach me and shape me further. So I am not done by any means!
Now to physical fitness: I have been one to excersice almost always and I don't feel "normal" if I don't sweat and ache at least three or four times a week riding a bike, using the elyptical or working my abs. However, Jaana (AGAIN!) started her 10K training a few months ago and has given me the desire to try it out. I AM HURTING EVERYWHERE! Running is completely different from riding a bike. I thought this would be a piece of cake for someone who had been physically active for years, but guess what! That is bunch of crap. I am on my second week and running one minute and walking four nine times is HARD! Jaana, you are my hero!
I have been going to some Energy Clearing Classes the past few months. What it does is give you an opportunity to get rid of negative thinking and replace those thoughts and feelings with something positive and light. Last night was a difficult class as we talked about trust; trust in oneself, trust in relationships, trust in God, trust in workplace and so forth. I realized that as I was growing up and in my teenage years I had confused hope with trust. I hoped that things would change and my parents would want me to live with them. However, I always told myself that I trusted things would be great. Trust and hope are not the same thing, naturally. But as a child that was my way of thinking. I have come to accept in my head that things are what they are and I don't feel cheated or abandoned or anything else. Time heals. Or so I thought. Having said this, last night I had a chance to look into my heart and through the energy clearing excersice I acknowleged a lot of fear and hurt around abandonment. This does not mean that I am going out in the world and make my parents pay for their "sins". This only means that I am beginning to acknowledge and understand more about my own make-up and what makes me tick. I have kind of had a good idea and even spoken those words, but to embrace the past and the experiences I have had is not something I have done. I am who I am because of what, who, why and where.
This experience has also me looking at my current relationships with my family members. I think I have succesfully "abandoned" them in some ways. Mika is living all the way in Missouri and I hardly ever see him, even though we visit over the phone almost weekly. Jaana and Jake are both in California and I miss them but at the same time I am happy that they are where they want to be. Krista is living with us but I have more or less stayed out of her way out of fear of making things more difficult for her and Jorel. It is hard to live with your parents or in-laws. I know because I have done it too. Markus is working towards leaving for the summer to Cleveland, Ohio to work. For me as a mother that is too far away, but at the same time I think it will be good for him. Being apart is not hard for me. I have been apart from my family ever since I can remember. It is hard for me to find the balance of being a loving, caring mom and at the same time letting them fly and not losing the bond and connection we have. Weird. I think every mother feels that.
Life is full of lessons and opportunities. I am such a slow learner that my kids are teaching me now about life and relationships. I should have this down by now - after all I am 54! Thanks for the memories and the moments together. I know there will be fewer as all of us go our separte ways, but I hope I can give my family something I didn't get from my parents - a home to come home to. And I don't mean just the scaffolding called a house, but the emotional connection through my heart and soul.